If you know a lot of what you want, want to put your own handles on the spoon, and like being spoon fed for major decisions, and occasionally get to choose the spoon color, but sometimes the spoon is flat: Arch 

If you are not entirely sure what you want, need the basics to just work, be spoon fed for everything, and the spoon to be made of a 100% free design, but it rusts quite easily: Debian GNU/Spoonix

If you want a spoon that is designed on the ancient texts, but has a handle that is a bit too uncomfortable to hold for any length of time: FreeBSD

If you know exactly what you want and don’t mind spending days gluing the handle pieces together, but occasionally have the spoon fall off the handle (don’t worry, you can spend days reassembling!): Gentoo 

If you’re a security n00b, want to someday do penetration testing, and don’t mind being handed last year’s model spoon that sometimes doesn’t fit in the bowl: Kali 

If you like severely over paying for a spoon that sometimes comes in different handle sizes, but is too small to actually use: MacOS

If you’re in a corporate environment and like paying for free spoons that leave a bad taste in your mouth: RHEL

If you want a spoon made of enterprise-grade material that nobody uses and leaves a weird aftertaste: SUSE 

If you’re old with a footlong gray beard, want complete control, don’t mind making the forge from scratch and might forget what you were doing before you get to the actual spoon creation: Slackware

If you don’t have a fucking clue, want to be spoon fed for everything, and just want it to work.. maybe, pretty please, probably in the next release: Ubuntu

If you want the spoon to never fail, only need it in one size, and will only ever use it for one thing its entire life: VMS

If you want a spoon that is based on a previous spoon that itself is based on a previous spoon that is also based on multiple previous spoons, each with conflicting design decisions, and the handle sometimes falls off without warning, but everyone has gotten used to the handle falling off: Windows